VENTING...

Excuse me if i write a lot or misspell any words. I'm just venting so i don't give a fuck about the little shit right now. So many thoughts running through my head, so many things continue to build up over the years and over time. I'm sure it all started when i was younger. loosing all of my grandparents young, my dad dipping out of my life around 10 or 11 years old. maybe even younger. everyone thinks i'm this happy person and i'm not. i'm in a world full of different kinds of people and i'm lost in the mix. all of my life i've tried to do shit to make others happy and not myself. trying to be the good child and friend. i'm sure there's a lot of people out there who have gone through more shit than me, and i feel for them, i truly do, but I AM NOT THEM and they ARE NOT ME. i can't tell them how to cope with things and NO ONE can tell me how to cope with my feelings and issues. i just feel like nothing i do is right. people only want to see one side of things and believe one side of things and when it comes to me, its FUCK YOU. basically. i say one thing and my words get twisted and NO ONE has the balls to talk to me or ask me about it. people wonder why i can be quiet, its because people cant be trusted. when i do say shit, my words get taken out of its context. i dont like fake people. fake friends, family, associates. i try my 100% best NOT to be fake and give people the respect i want, and it still doesn't work. got people gossiping about me adding extras to stories and when i walk in try to change the subject as if i'm stupid. it's 2010 and i'm still getting treated like some invisible person who doesn't have feelings. when i do shit right, it doesn't get acknowledged. when something goes wrong, i'm hearing about it. i've dealt with that all of my life, so is it bad that i DONT and try my VERY BEST not to deal with it at 20years old ?? hmmm... when you have a bestfriend, you of course are going to gossip about people. that's the one person who you feel like is the closest to you and who you can say anything to. so when i had a bestfriend" that's what we did, but just gossiping about people to "regular friends or family" is usually a no no. saves drama, but somehow the drama comes anyway. i've spent my last on people, driven people around, paid for this and that, welcomed everyone into my home, been a shoulder to cry on, a therapist, bought endless gifts for many, tried to push people to do better (something most "friends" dont give a fuck about trying to do for their friends) you think i got the same treatment?  NOPE. Trying to get people to do better has honestly been holding me back from my dreams and making more shit than i already have, happen. . and when i get irritated or frustrated by it, no one wants to hear it. it's always about everyone else. not how jasmine feels. not what jasmine DOES DO! more than the eye can fucking see, obviously! and even though, we've been through it all, and i disagreed with some of the ways she handled things, as i've gotten older i've realized the only person i can trust besides myself is my MOTHER. my mom is the type to be up front and BLUNT about shit. that's how my grandmother was. my mom doesn't gossip about you and if she slips and does, BETTER BELIEVE when she see's you, whatever she said is said to YOU. no fake shit. i've come to realize that. my mom will tell me like it is. a lot of people gossip about her, because their either jealous or dont understand her, but i've noticed she will not stoop to that level. i tried to do the same. when i was blunt, people's feelings were being hurt and i dont like to hurt anyone's feelings so i toned it down. but, now as time goes on and on i noticed less than a handful give a fuck about my feelings so I DONT CARE ANYMORE! no one will ever understand me. i did what i had to do. my mom never got any complaints about me. growing up i was in acting, mild modeling, i was an athlete, i got good grades for the most part, worked jobs and earned MY money and gifts starting at a young age etc etc. i WAS NOT perfect and NEVER will be, but as you can see i TRIED my BEST not to be some fuck up and horrible person even with the shit i was going through. and i brought those tactics with me into my adult hood and still no one is satisfied. i'm no longer going to try and think about anyone's feeling anymore. it's going to be hard to do because i am just naturally a genuwine person, but i see it gets me no WHERE! Everyone is right and IM WRONG so whatever! i just need to come to terms that i will probably NEVER be understood or completely happy. glad i have someone who seems like he understands me and genuwinely loves me. i know i treat him like whatever, sometimes, but that's just me and my internal issues that will probably never get solved. surprised he still deals with it. i dont know. life is crazy and i dont mind not having any friends, but when i bring people into my life i expect the same treatment. maybe one day i will find that.

p.s. this isn't all about friendship or one specific issue. it's a lot of shit just balled into one and i'm venting. i express best through a pen and paper or a computer lol. whatever. thanks for listening.

....never apologize for your feelings.